*Please note: though I was in part inspired to write this article because of Autism Awareness Month, I am addressing all women who identify as neurodivergent, a term that generally refers to a broad spectrum of variations in brain functioning, also termed “developmental disorders.” Since ADHD and autism tend to be the most common, and because other developmental disorders like dyslexia can be a manifestation of ADHD/autism, I will largely be using these two conditions as the framework for this article.
Happy Autism Awareness Month!
. . .what? Okay yeah, I know it’s no longer April but time isn’t real and it’s the spirit that counts. Besides —
At any rate, to keep the spirit of Autism Awareness Month, as well as continue my mission in supporting folks who don’t tend to get as much mainstream coverage when it comes to our intimate lives, today’s blog post is going to be a new addition to my FIRST ever blog post: Sex Tips for the Awkward Girl!
For those of you who are new here, or for those who have forgotten because it really has been a whole ass year since I’ve updated this series, Sex Tips for the Awkward Girl is a mini-series I conceived of when I put this website up on the premise that I wanted to read sex tips that had somebody like me in mind. I remember how, growing up with the backdrop of a teenaged internet and 3 AM softcore porn scenes on HBO. . .well, I was really interested in how all that “sex stuff” worked but didn’t know how to do it. And sure, that’s normal for a lot of young adults if your parents or your school aren’t providing you with the tools necessary to explore, but for me, there was an added layer of difficulty not addressed by these sultry, smoldering scenes: how to “get with” somebody when you can barely complete a sentence without losing your train of thought halfway through.
The good news is that I’ve learned since then how to Communicate Better(TM). I understand — even if I don’t always like — how to talk “the neurotypical way,” the likes of which involve intuiting subtle cues about body language and an appropriate amount of eye contact. However, I’ve also learned how to embrace myself in a way that also makes me less abashed about who I am, which means that I am no less awkward than I was as a teenager — I’m just more comfortable with myself.
I’ve learned how to turn some of this to my advantage as well. Things like getting nervous with eye contact or not being able to directly express my needs verbally plays into how I like to behave as a submissive. Hell, all of my dominants think it’s cute. And there are ways to communicate that don’t require much talk — having partners that know which questions to ask so all I have to do is nod or shake my head is really helpful. We also text between sessions because it’s an easier way for me to provide feedback on what I do and don’t like!
Having said all that, these are things I’ve learned work best for me based on years of trial and error. That doesn’t mean they’ll work so well for you, which leads me into the first point I want to stress before we get too deep into this: if you want to have more mind-blowing sex, MAKE SURE YOU HAVE A STRONG COMMUNICATION SYSTEM.
I can hear you thinking it now: no shit, Jasmine. OF COURSE communication between you and your partner(s) should be reliable before you dive right in. Nonetheless, I’m stressing it more than is necessary because, from one neurodivergent woman to another, I know just how hard it is to communicate just in general. Think about it: you likely struggle to interpret the cues of say, a barista when you walk into the coffee shop. She is abnormally friendly and constantly smiles at you. Is she just naturally that nice or is she flirting with you? Or think about the stress that might come up when your friend suggests going to a new restaurant that you aren’t familiar with. How do you explain to them why you’re struggling to get on board with the idea, even if this friend understands that you are neurodivergent? (Bonus struggle points if you go non-verbal and then are left to frantically text them why you can’t talk even though you’re standing right next to them).
I won’t go on, but I think you get the point. Communicating in seemingly “low-pressure,” non-sexual environments is tough enough. Adding in the stress of discussing with your partner how you want to be touched, or how soft/hard you want to be fucked — it’s a lot to navigate!
The tips I’m going to provide today will be operating on the assumption that you and your partner(s) at least have a solid foundation when it comes to communicating. I’m going to then build off of that by providing you with a couple of exercises to help you get some practice in. These exercises are meant to be “low pressure” because you will either be doing it on your own first or doing it with your partner in a non-sexual manner. To wrap it all up, I’ll also briefly address some ways you can cope with the sensory overload that tends to come with sex.
Let’s get started!
SIDE A: HOW TO COMMUNICATE WITH YOUR PARTNER WHAT YOU WANT
Based on all of my wonderful survey takers, the most common issue I saw come up was “I don’t know how to communicate with my partner what I want because I don’t know what I’m into/looking for.” This was followed up with a third of you asking me to make one of the tips about how to communicate!
As I mentioned beforehand, being able to communicate to and with your partner is one of the most important steps you can’t look over if you’re going to try the things I suggest here today. If this is the step you’re still stuck on, I’ll be linking a couple of tips + techniques to help in Part 2 of this series and you can come back to this part another time.
But alright. Let’s assume you already got that part down. In fact, let’s assume it’s not even hard for you to talk to your partner about sex or sexy things. . . unless it’s about you. Then you shut down because you don’t know what you’re into!
TRACK 1: Experiment With Yourself
There’s a technique I’ve learned as an Intimacy Coach that’s called “body mapping.” Body Mapping is really just a fancy way of saying “explore yourself.” You don’t need any toys or an advanced kink vocabulary to do this, either. Here’s all you need to get started:
- A private space or a space where others won’t walk in on you
- Your phone (so you have a timer and something to play music on)
- Beverage of your choice
- Blankets or towels on the side just in case
If you want to stay clothed, you’re welcome to, though this exercise is helpful to do when you’re naked since you can determine how much or how little stimulation your skin can handle. In the event you do decide to do this nude, make sure the room is set at a comfortable temperature for you!
Once you’ve got that, set your timer for a suggested minimum of 20 minutes. You at least want enough time to touch your body from head to toe, but longer is always encouraged if you end up finding this experience like a meditation. Ideally, you should either be standing or sitting up right so you can reach your whole body.
Let’s begin. I want you to take three deep breaths to ground yourself. No elaborate imagination required here, just center yourself in your body. Remember that you’re a physical being with real physical needs and sex is just one of those needs. There is no shame in wanting to fulfill or experience those needs because you are a real human who has this incredible gift for experiencing the world so richly that sometimes it’s just too much.
When you’ve done your three deep breaths, we begin, starting with the hands (and if you need a visual, check out my IGTV video on basic touch HERE). You can adjust the touch to be as light or as heavy as you need it to be, depending on your sensory preferences. The goal is to have you move from your hands up to your shoulders, neck, and head, then over your face and down to your chest. From there, keep going down over the stomach, thighs, buttocks (if you’re standing), knees, legs, and feet. When you hit your toes, come back up again, going over all of your body parts until you arrive again at your hands (sans genitalia, which I will go over how to do briefly in an aside).
Now, I want you to make a note of which parts felt good and which parts you prefer avoiding, whether that’s due to trauma or an unpleasant sensory experience. Then do this exercise again, this time focusing on your favorite body parts. If you have the chance, I encourage you to journal about this experience so you can make a note of what felt good and what didn’t.
This is the first step to understanding what you’re into. Knowing which part(s) of your body you like to be touched, how light or heavy you like the touches, and how warm or cool you want the touch to be — it matters!
An Aside: How to Include Your Genitalia
I wanted you to avoid your genitalia the first go-around because we have such a knee-jerk association with our genitalia as ‘pleasure centers’ and thusly may feel pressured to touch ourselves to “get the most” out of this exercise.
On the second go-around, however, you may want to get to know more about what sensations you like around your genitalia so when your partner is going down on you and eating you out/sucking you off/somewhere in-between, you can dictate better what you do and don’t like.
So, you’re going to repeat the above exercise. However, as you’re going down your stomach and along your thighs, make a pit-stop towards your genitals. Move from the outside-in: if you have a vulva, start with the outer lips. If you have a penis, start with the testicles. Gradually work your way from the “least” sensitive parts (the vulva or the shaft) to the “most” sensitive (the clitoris or the head). Again, you get to dictate how hard or soft you want the touch to be, and the goal is not to end in masturbation — I just want you to have awareness of this part of your body and which part feels the best as you go over it.
Repeat both versions of this exercise as often as necessary 😉.
So this ends Part 1/Side A of the post. Part 2/Side B will come once I’ve returned from my hiatus and figured out how I want The Sterile Slut as I know it to proceed. There may be a soft rebranding and an adjustment on what I focus on.
In the mean time, I want you to practice this exercise with yourself and see how it feels. Is it helpful for you? Are you connecting more deeply with your body? Leave a comment down below and use me as a check-in source while you navigate this journey. I may not respond right away but I will when available.
Until then, be well and stay tuned for the next track ♥.
REFERENCES AND FURTHER READING
Audra At Home Talks Intersectionality in Sex as a Neurodivergent Black Femme
Understanding More About the Overlap Between ADHD & Autism
Explaining ASD To Neurotypicals in Sex
Let’s Talk About Sex with Neurodiverse Couples